I spent the last couple days in a small courtroom in a quant little town in Maryland attending the second trial of a woman accused of shaking 9-month-old Trevor Ulrich to death in 2009. If you’re new to my blog or to my history, you might wonder what brought me there. If you’re not, you know exactly why I was there. Or maybe you’re wondering why this woman is on trial in 2017 for the death of Trevor in 2009. The reason? This is her second trial. She was convicted in 2010 but received a new trial in 2014 when the appellate court ruled that her defense attorney hadn’t adequately defended her. And so, nearly eight years after this sweet baby’s death, his parents and family are listening to testimony that no parent should ever hear: the manner in which he died, the final moments of his life, and a defense team looking to poke holes in all of it.
Trevor and my son Noah share a birthday: November 29, 2008. They share something else, which will forever bind me to this family. They were both shaken. Yet Noah, miraculously, survived. When Noah survived, my faith journey began, a life dedicated to this God who shows great love and mercy. But I’m human. As I bawled in a hotel room Wednesday recalling the autopsy images of Trevor that I hadn’t expected to experience that day, I was gripped with the questions so many of us have. Why? Why did my son survive? Why was Trevor taken? Why were either of our children placed in the hands of women who appeared so loving and with great referrals, but who would, in a moment, shatter dozens of lives?
His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways are higher than my ways. That is all I can cling to. That and a knowledge so firmly planted in my heart that He is a God that saves and a God full of mercy. It took my faith a long time to get to this point, and it hasn’t been without question. If you can’t question your faith and in turn defend it, how strong is its foundation? It’s still hard on this side of heaven to understand any of it. It’s devastating to watch my friends suffer as they bear witness to testimony that no parent should ever have to hear – twice.
This morning, after not seeing my children for two days – after our own history accosted me and brought me back into the darkness – I got to leave it behind and come home. My Noah, who’s future eight years ago was a question mark, gave me a giant hug and told me over and over how much he missed me. He put on his jacket, his tall purple boots, and bounced out the door to school. I am in awe of that. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts; His ways are higher than my ways.
My prayer today is that I can hold onto this perspective. That I can keep the wound fresh enough to keep my patience when my children push me to the brink of sanity. That no matter how bad a day I’ve had, no matter what has broken all around me, I remember this: Unless I’m looking at autopsy photos of my child, it’s a good day. No, it’s a great day.
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:9
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I am in awe that you have opened yourself up to these emotions again. No one can imagine the pure heartache families endure when placed in such a situation Noah’s or Trevor’s. Your strength and faith give me strength and faith in return.
Thank you, Kathi. It is true that it’s an unfair burden for anyone to carry. God has given me the strength to love on those who have endured what no one should have to endure. I know it’s a tough topic, but my heart is for people to find perspective when they have sometimes forgotten it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend. I hope that God will make this trial short and justice will be served.
Thank you. We will keep you all posted!
Erin you and your family are never far from my thoughts.
We are so thankful.
When I see Noah laughing and enjoying life, the small problems we encounter on a daily basis seem insurmountable compared to the tragedy your family has experienced. But there is a greater good at work and God has plans laid out for His work to be done through you Erin, Mike, Avery and especially Noah. I feel blessed to know your family and watch Noah grow to beat the odds.
You are so right. I feel honored to get to watch as God’s grace is lived out. We are blessed to have you in our life and for the great love you show our boy.
I must express my admiration for your kindness for folks who absolutely need help with that field. Your personal dedication to passing the message along turned out to be extremely insightful and have regularly empowered many people just like me to arrive at their goals. Your amazing warm and friendly publication implies a whole lot a person like me and even more to my office colleagues. Regards; from everyone of us.
Thank you so much for your sweet words. Indeed it is tough, but a privilege to offer support. God gives some of us the gift of strength so that we can lift others up.